I really thought I was losing my mind. I layed all day thinking and watching TV. At night when I tried to go to sleep my mind would start racing and my heart would start pounding. I knew something was wrong with me, but I figured it was because I wasn’t doing drugs anymore. I had became a shell of the person I used to be. I couldn’t go anywhere, I just couldn’t hardly leave my house. Sometimes I did manage to go out, which was only maybe a couple times a month, I thought people was staring at me and talking about me. I think I just thought everyone out there was judging me. I was ashamed.
I didn’t have a life at all. My thoughts consumed my every minute. Eventually it got to the point I couldn’t function in a normal everyday life. I didn’t even do my house work anymore. Before all this I had already isolated myself to the outside world and now I was isolating myself from my family. My kids and my dad was really worried. I don’t think my children really understood, even after my hospital stay. My marriage was falling apart, we barely spoke. I began thinking my family would be better off without me. At first it was just that, A thought. Then after going on like this for a few weeks I began seeing myself kill myself. I saw myself slitting my wrist to the point I would grab them cause I could almost feel it. I also thought about taking my money and buying a bunch of pills and fall asleep.
I was starting to get scared at this point. I didn’t know what to do. Again I was ashamed.I told my husband that I feel as if I’m living in my head. I couldn’t tell him at this point that I was thinking about killing myself.
Just as you think it cant get any worse, it does. All these thoughts in my head and now it starts getting physical. My palms and feet was clammy. My heart and head was racing. I began crying several times a day. It felt as if my nerves was gonna pop out of my skin. At times I could barely breathe and my blood pressure was really high.
I finally got myself together enough to call my sister in Kentucky, just to totally breakdown once I began finally telling someone what I was going through. She knew something was wrong but didn’t realize how bad it had gotten. These mental problems run in the family. I hadn’t been myself for quite some time.
We decided I needed to get some help. I knew I had let it get so bad that the emergency room would be the only way to go. So we made a deal and a couple days later she drove up to take me. I knew walking in that place I wasn’t going back home that day. Soon as I walked in I had a panic attack. My blood pressure was so high I was at risk for a stroke. They gave me an anxiety pill and it calmed me down enough to talk. Everyone there was really good to me. When I talked to the social worker she gave me the choice of voluntary admittance into the psych ward.
I will talk about my hospital stay in my next blog
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